My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
(2 Corinthians 12:9)
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.
(2 Corinthians 4:7)
* * *
My jaw dropped when I was asked to be the Director, instead of an intern, at the next summer day camp.
Director. The sole adult responsible for 30 kids and a handful of teenagers. As a very inexperienced 20-year-old, I had no desire to be liable for them. These kids would sometimes run away from camp, get into physical fights with each other, and hide from the leaders. They were not easy to keep under control. My past year of working with them had resulted in mostly failed attempts to do so. The previous Director would usually have to intervene as I tried to talk over the chaos of children not listening. I was known by the other leaders as a fun playmate, but not an authoritative leader. If I were in charge, the kids would get away with everything!
I told my boss that I would give it some thought and prayer, even though I had already decided to reject it. As I drove home that night, however, I had the sinking feeling that God may actually want me to accept it.
“No, God – You’ve got to be kidding me!” I said. “If I can’t manage 5 of these kids, how am I supposed to manage 30? It’s better for everyone if I just come back as an intern.”
I shared about this with some people close to me, expecting them to laugh incredulously with me at this absurd offer. Most looked at me proudly, as if I had shown adequate strength of character to be asked. But I knew the truth. It would be completely impossible for me to do this job. They told me that it was an honour to be asked, but that I could reject it to avoid carrying such a responsibility if I wanted to. And that was exactly what I wanted to do. But for some reason, I still had a sinking feeling that God may actually want me to accept this position after all.
When I talked to my sister about it, she responded differently. “You can do it,” she said automatically. “Even if you feel weak, God does not call the equipped, He equips the called.”
Her statement hit me hard. If I rejected the job in this instance, I was not just rejecting my ability to do it, but God’s ability to do it through me. I knew what my answer had to be, but I just did not want to admit it. It was too scary to put all my trust in God without having a plan B, in case He did not come through for me.
The Equipping
As I read the Bible during the next couple of months, I realized that the stories in it are characterized by God calling inadequate but willing people to accomplish His purposes. He did this so that the world would see that it is His power working through them, instead of the individual’s wisdom or strength. Moses pleaded to not be sent to the Egyptians since He was not good at speaking; I felt similarly about leading through speech and authority at camp. Gideon felt inadequate because of his weakness and his tribe being the least respected in Israel; I felt too weak and like I had not inherited the right qualities to accomplish this task. David was not even acknowledged by his father and brothers as a possibility of being the future King or a skilled warrior to defeat Goliath; I knew that others would also question my acceptance of the position because they had seen my previous failures.
Even Paul wrote:
“When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on men’s wisdom, but on God’s power.”
(1 Corinthians 2:1-5)
It was this passage that finally convinced me to trust God with the summer that He was leading me into, and accept the position. He showed me that I, like Paul, felt inadequate in my own abilities. I did not bring the natural leadership qualities and skills that were normally required for this position. I felt a lot of fear and weakness and trembling as I thought about leading the camp. Yet, God was calling me to do this so that I, and perhaps others around me, would recognize His power working through me and not my own. If I rejected the job, I would not only be rejecting my own chance to experience more of God, but the chance for those around me to experience Him through me.
In addition to relevant biblical stories that spoke directly to my situation, a friend of mine was going through a similar situation. By hearing about their sense of inadequacy, as well as directly witnessing God enable them as they trusted Him, I was given a practical demonstration of how God provides for those who step out in faith and trust Him. Not only this, but I began to experience God using me in ways that I never could have planned as I discipled some girls from our church youth group. I had the opportunity to practice relying on God as I met with them, prayed and studied the Bible with them. I felt in some ways that these experiences were lovingly positioned by God to boost my confidence in Him and to take baby steps in learning how to rely fully on His Spirit.
A Summer of Grace
As the summer rolled around, there was a powerful yet doubt-mingled trust in God that had been developing in me for months. Stepping into what felt like the most intimidating of circumstances, God met me each step of the way with incredible grace and evidence of His provision. Accepting the Director position was one of the best decisions I ever made. It was the most incredible summer of my life thus far because I experienced so much of God! Even though I made tons of mistakes, His grace was sufficient for me in every single circumstance. I was learning to control the kids, lead groups of interns and mission teams, and discipline with love and authority. When others commented on how much I had changed, I told them that I was desperately relying on God and that He was providing the words and actions for me to take.
This did not mean, however, that God removed all the chaos from the summer. Instead, He gave me what I needed in the midst of it. When one kid emerged from the swimming pool covered in bumps from an allergic reaction, a lifeguard was there to help us. When I dislocated my knee and was in too much pain to supervise, the previous Director just happened to be visiting that day and took over for me. When I had no idea what to say to a child who had punched another kid, somehow the words came to me at just the right time. On a day that my cell phone was absolutely crucial to have, it had technical issues and stopped working as soon as I got home. When I felt anxiety threatening to debilitate me before leading a large group lesson, the moment I opened my mouth to speak there was a level of confidence that I had never experienced before. When I had no idea how to de-escalate a child who was very dysregulated and threatening violence, we somehow managed to end the day safely. During an exciting activity that all the kids were extremely pumped for, the technical difficulties I had been encountering were managed just in time to complete the activity. As a 6-year-old asked me “Where is God?”, an answer somehow came to my mind. When I found myself stranded in the Science Center with one child running away from me and another screaming in a tantrum on the floor because he did not want to leave, a third child whispered “If you pretend to leave the room, he will follow us”. That seven-year-old’s wisdom saved me from an extremely panicky situation.
Rarely in my life have I been forced to rely this much on God. It showed me so much more of the Spirit-filled life that we as Christians are meant to live every day, not just when we are in challenging situations.
* * *
Feeling inadequate is common and not necessarily wrong. Yet it can become sinful if we allow it to stop us from following and trusting Him to be enough. This feeling is not meant to limit us, but to draw us to rely on Him and put all our trust in His ability to equip us.
Today, years later, I still feel inadequate when leading children in camps or classrooms. Sometimes it is incredibly hard to not surrender to those feelings, and sometimes I have failed. Yet He continues to draw me back to relying on Him and into closer intimacy with Him. I just have to keep asking Him to make my trust in Him greater than my feelings of inadequacy. This can only happen as I fix my eyes on who He is rather than on who I am or the circumstances around me.
God has since made a habit of calling me further and further out of my comfort zone. I have learned that obeying when He calls is a secret to greater intimacy with Him, and is worth whatever costs may be associated with it. In the last few years, He has consistently given me opportunities to share my testimony in front of large crowds of people. Public speaking has always been something I have hated. Though my sense of inadequacy is intense beforehand, He has countless times enabled me to do it. His power and peace that I experience during these times have blown me away time and time again, developing in me an awe for this God that chooses to use broken vessels like us to display His Presence to the world.
Reader, when He calls you far out of your comfort zone, know that His ability is enough for the both of you!
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